Words are very powerful, especially when they come from the mouth of someone you love. The words of the people you love hold special powers to motivate you to keep carrying on or to destroy you in ways that make you want to quit it all. Words can cause deep wounds that are difficult to heal.
The wounds that are caused by hurtful words from your spouse can cause great damage to your relationship. It can take a whole lifetime to heal from those kinds of words. If not dealt with, it can become a disease that takes over your heart and damages your intimacy with your spouse. The healing process is hard and can take long, especially when it becomes a norm. Many couples fuel the cycle of hurting each other with words until they can no more take it and have to separate.
You shouldn’t allow your relationship to get to that place where you can’t heal from hurtful words. Below are a few steps you can take to put yourself and your relationship in a place where you can heal and get more intimate with your partner.
1. Revisit the comment after the fight
Many times, after a fight or a disagreement, we tend not to re-engage in that same discussion, so as not to spark another round of fighting. But, leaving the issue unresolved is worse, it’s like an open wound left untreated. It gets infected and spread to other areas in the relationship, affecting it until it kills the relationship.
As hard as it may be, you need to revisit the issue and identify what caused the hurt. It helps in the healing and reconciling process. It should, however, be done with mutual consent of what the discussion is about, it is about healing, not about picking another fight.
2. Hold your response
It is very easy to fire back and explode when your partner says hurtful words to you. Unconsciously, our mind just wants to attack back when we feel attacked. But this will only fuel the issue and continue the cycle of hurt. If the other person is too hot to calm down, one person has to be calm, so as not to escalate the problem beyond what it is.
You can deliberately decide to hold your response. It may be difficult, but you must put the interest of the relationship ahead of your own interest in winning the argument. If you always want to get the last word, then you’ll just continue the cycle and say things you’re not supposed to say.
3. Find out what caused the hurtful words
Most times, the hurtful words were not said out of hatred for the other person, or with a desire to damage the relationship. It may just be that the other person felt hurt and decided to fight back. It may be as simple as having a discussion and they feel they are losing, so they try to find a way to win. This is no excuse to use hurtful words, but it is the case in many situations.
In other ways, the hurtful words may be a compilation of what has been in the mind of the person, and they never got a chance to say it. An argument may just be the avenue they need and then they burst out. Total healing will come when you know exactly what is behind the hurtful words, rather than analyzing the words themselves.
4. Be vulnerable
Our natural instincts will want to put up a barrier, to make sure that no one hurts us again. But this will only isolate you from your spouse and tamper with your intimacy. There will always be arguments and fights in a relationship, and you have to be ready for that. Being vulnerable is a critical part of any relationship.
If you do not have the ability to be vulnerable, you’ll lose the connection that makes your relationship valuable. Being vulnerable doesn’t mean you should accept just anything from anyone, but it will avail you the opportunity not to get so defensive when there is an argument between you and your spouse.